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Come on, Excedrin! PLEASE kick in. Welcome to my Monday.

Ever wonder if anyone will make it to those Pearly Gates? I mean, really. All this struggling, fighting just to keep the faith…will I really make it in? I’m so far from perfect. Isn’t that what this is all about? Being good enough to “make it in”?

Deep down I know it’s not. He’s never expected perfection from us. He knows we’d fall woefully short. So why does it feel as if perfection is demanded of me? Oh, not from Him. But…others.

I used to pretend perfection. I thought If I’m supposed to be perfect, I’ll try as hard as I possibly can. People pleasing and all that jazz, it’s a real picnic, I tell ya! It was all a show but I didn’t know it then. I thought I was doing what was expected of me…to present myself blameless, faultless. When I realized that I was living a lie, I slowly started to peel back the layers that I’d designed to hide the real me. Some layers were thicker than others and it took longer than I’d expected. Some layers fooled even me; I’d had them so long. Some layers caused pain in the removal. Aw, who am I kidding? Most of them did.

Since I’ve tried to reveal Me to the world, life has become quite interesting. Its funny (NOT haha funny) how many people became so used to The Other Me that it’s hard to convince them of Me. Makes me wonder if I’m trying harder to convince them or myself. Who knows?

Sometimes I’m confused.

Sometimes I’m angry. Like today. Lol Those poor people on the train this morning! I wore my feelings like an old fashioned battle armor….my chain mail was my attitude. I didn’t mean to be…mean! But sometimes making a Happy Face takes too much concentration. I could feel the stares of the ones who see me regularly. They were probably wondering why I was staring out the window, unseeing, unsmiling. Not that I am normally happy and cheery in the mornings, lol. There was just a melancholic cloud hovering over my head and it was plainly visible. The playlist on my MP3 player kind of echoed my mood.

For shame, you say. You should know better. You’re supposed to be a witness. True, true. This brings me to my original point; perfection and the lack thereof.

Does my lack of perfection cause me to lash out at Him? No, not really. Not anymore. It causes me to ignore Him, sometimes. Not purposely though. I try to sort out my emotions myself. (Though I’ve heard that this doesn’t work.)

I read a poem today. It made me shake my head in wonder. I’ve got a map and know where I’m going?! Guess I need to peel a couple more layers away because this is so far from the truth. In truth, I’ve been wandering for quite a while. While there is some shame in admitting this, there would be far more shame in not admitting it.

Sometimes I wonder where He is.

Where I am. Today is one of those days.