I was never a great scholar. In my early years of school, I remember loving it. But that was because it didn’t challenge me. 6th grade was a nightmare. That’s when it seemed all the girls in my class had mood swings daily, myself included. lol High school, however, was what really did me in. It was hard to understand some of the work, I was home schooled, you see. Both of my parents, for the first few years, had to work so one was at home when I needed help with Science or a random math equation. When the parents got home and asked why the work wasn’t done, I was too ashamed to say that I didn’t understand it and reverted to my 6th grade attitude. I was in trouble more times than I can remember back in those days.
I remember feeling inadequate. Small. Even stupid. In addition to that, I had a huge problem with self esteem. I felt plain, unattractive. It was so bad that once, while at a family gathering, when the others were all taking family pictures, I went in my room and hid under my desk so no one would find me. I didn’t feel pretty enough to take pictures with the rest. An ugly duckling in a family full of swans. Lol Yes, it’s pretty pathetic but tell that to my broken heart. So many times I raged at God for making me “the plain one” in the family. And the embarrassing thing is, I don’t even think I was a teenager anymore. Maybe I was, who knows?
I also remember times when God would do something to remind me that I was, AM beautiful to Him. Dad had taken Rhonda and I to Puerto Rico one Thanksgiving. It was just for a couple days and was a last minute decision, as usual. She and I sat together in first class. I was seated in the aisle seat and she was near the window. I remember feeling giddy and we were most likely giggling, like normal teenage girls do. I can’t remember what prompted the conversation but a male flight attendant struck up a conversation with her. He asked if she was “going home”. I guess she looked like the Puerto Rican, not me. If anyone knows my sister, you can imagine what her response was. She backed in her seat and said, No. Her whole demeanor changed and after a few more attempts at conversation, the attendant left. We laughed at him for a bit but the whole episode left me with tears clogging up my throat. Why was I not the one who was mistaken for a Puerto Rican? Was it because my skin was darker, my hair more coarse? The whole plane ride, It’s not fair, it’s not fair, echoed in my mind. We landed and I finally was able to take my mind off the attendant and how he completely ignored me. Puerto Rico was too wonderful for me to be in a bad mood! The last night we were there, I told Rhonda and Dad that I wanted to take a picture of a “hot guy” for Jen. (back when she was still Jennifer – lolol) She wanted a hot Puerto Rican and I was going to give her a picture as a laugh. I went into the lobby and viola! A hot Puerto Rican guard! I lost my nerve and went into a sitting area and stared out the window. Trying to get my nerve up to ask if I could take his picture! He followed me into the room. (no hanky pankiness, mind you, I promise! It was an open, airy room that opened directly into reception area) As I was staring out the window, trying to ignore the hot guy sprawled on the sofa(this doesn’t sound good, does it?! Lol) behind me, the man starts talking to me! He asks what I think about Puerto Rico, I tell him it’s beautiful. He says, yes, beautiful like you. Okay, I about died. I was in heaven! Hot guy fell asleep after our short conversation and I went back to the room. Sorry, Jen! No picture! I was so happy! It may have been just a random guy flirting because that’s all he ever did in life, flirt, but to me, it was God telling me that I was beautiful to Him.
The next time that stands out so vividly in my mind was one evening when I was having a hard time with my schoolwork. We were living in our trailer parked behind the church (glad those days are over!) and I needed a Bible for some English lesson. This was the scripture I was supposed to memorize. Psalm 139, verses 14-18.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
Imagine that! Me?! God knew and loved me before I was even formed?! Sure, I’d heard the scripture before but it was not until that moment, that the scripture became real to me. He knew that I wouldn’t be perfect, He made me that way. Yet I am still wonderfully and fearfully made! God doesn’t require perfection or beauty to extend love towards mankind. He loved us because we are His creation. It took me years to realize this, years to figure it out. I didn’t understand how One so mighty and holy could love someone such as me. “What is man that Thou are mindful of him? And the son of man, that Thou visited him?”
I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not as often as I used to. But I’ve still not overcome it. People tell me that I come across as if I’ve got it all together. That I am self confidant. This is amusing to me. I’ve heard people say that I think I’m prettier than them. This, also, is amusing to me. I let them think this. It may be wrong of me, but I feel comfortable behind my mask.
The Real Me by Jackie Velasquez
People think I've got it all together
With the show and my sweet, sweet smile
But do they know if I've been happy ever
Pull up a chair 'cause this may take a while
O.K. so here's the thing
I've got my bad days, and some are even worse
I can be a blessing and you know, I can be a curse
I tremble at rejection, I'm scared to be alone
Sometimes I may be selfish, but I always make it home
This is the real me
Am I the girl that you want me to be
This is the real me
With flaws and fears of intimacy
This is the real me
Can you face it
Can you feel it
Can you take it
Can you deal with
The real me
So now you see that I am far from perfect
I will fall and I will make mistakes (oh, no)
But I am here and this has taken courage
Will you abandon me or will you stay
(Please stay with me)
I know that I'm demanding and sometimes insecure
I think I've got the answers, but then I'm not so sure
I sometimes need attention a little more than I should
But there is a part of me that would give the whole world if I could
